This has been a good trip, even though by all objective measures, I haven’t gotten anything done. My loan is not fixed, my elective is not fixed, and my study plans are definitely not fixed. Even though the trip was just under three weeks, I’ve only had about 5 days of actual contact time with people, so it feels kind of stressful.
I feel like Toronto is a place full of unacceptable emotions for me. Feelings that are all so dated, they are no longer legitimate…but regardless of their legitimacy, they’re here. If I could erase 2005 from my life, I would be a very different person. I still feel rejected by this city, by it’s university, by the medical system…and the bullshit I’ve been dealing with just to set up a simple elective has brought to surface a quicksand of insecurities about the future that I left behind when I moved to Cork.
My relationship to Toronto is frozen in time. It’s still 2005 here for me. I’m both disgusted by the idea of not returning here and by the idea of returning here. I’m still angry but I still miss you.
This coming year holds a lot of important decisions for me and my classmates. I can only hope to make the right ones.
Here’s hoping that in 2009, U of T will come to its senses and let me do that bleeding elective so I can at least properly decide if I want to come back here.
4 responses so far ↓
Kristy // December 31, 2008 at 7:16 pm |
Garbage face feels the same way about this place.
Believe it or not, despite my escapist fantasies, I kind of miss Chicago right now. At least there, I know what I am supposed to be doing. In Brantford, and even more so in Toronto, I just submit to this paralyzing anxiety. And I get nothing done as a result.
jennifer // January 8, 2009 at 9:55 am |
hmm…although as much as i can empathise with mahta on various different levels, i’m turning the other way around.
i was so bored my first few days; by the end, i was so sad to be going to back to london. ENGLAND FUCKING SUCKS. and it took me almost 4 years to admit to that. life is miserable here unless you have a ton of money and all the prettiness of primrose hill & the tate modern wont put food in my mouth or the anxiety out of my life.
once you live here, you scream. i cannot wait to go back to canada. fuck anywhere else. the problem with toronto, more for mahta & i, is that we grew up there. that is my hometown. to return as an adult means casting aside everything that we left as children (in my case), teenagers and angst-outted university graduates.
when i got back and annouced to people here, “i’m thinking of going back sooner rather than later”, they all stared and replied, “what the fuck took you so long?”
quellesurprise // January 8, 2009 at 1:58 pm |
Holy Shit! Did you just come out of the closet on my blog? I’m so happy that you’ve made this realization. What did it? Was it ze cat? I’ll miss you on this side if you leave before I do.
jennifer // January 8, 2009 at 2:10 pm |
pathetically enough, it was walking around the annex. it’s no hampstead heath but it’s good enough. there are used bookstore, good coffee and korean kareoke within walking distance.
i think what turned it was lauren telling me about the conspiracy bookstore. and the bss track “i slept with bonhomme at the cbc.” i mean, who does that?
having said that, this isn’t to say that london doesn’t still stand. it does; i just can’t afford it to a good quality of life. the level of crazy culture in london pisses all over toronto. there is more in the tate britain than the whole of canada. this is also why i need to buy miss m’s paintings – to culture up the future flat.
but once you start thinking about your future welfare, kids, etc. you give in and realise that you can’t afford this place. not without being covered in shit, anyway.
don’t worry – i wont leave before you. if anything, we can plan our plan to invade the US together…